EGO – I never really thought I had one…others who know me, may go “whatever” 😊. But honestly, I have always thought I was humble. I knew I was competitive, and I knew I liked to win but it was always against myself that I wanted to win and be better not against others…… wasn’t it??????
2023 has been a year that has stripped my EGO bare and laid it out before me going….no EGO huh!!! Chucked in my face; here’s your next learning. OUCH. It has hurt! I have found myself saying things in public to people I don’t know, information that makes me cringe to get my EGO fed. As soon as I say it, I think ewww did I just say that out loud! How needy am I at the moment! What I have come to realize is this is because I am totally out of my comfort zone and my EGO hasn’t been getting it’s fill lately the way it used to. I didn’t even know it was getting fed, until it wasn’t!!
So, before I know it, I am trying to get praise and recognition from complete strangers to fill my EGO up. This has been embarrassing for me, as I felt like I lost my filter and EGO was just taking control of my words to get what it needed. It made me feel ashamed afterwards that I was trying to one up people about how successful I was, when in reality I was feeling that exact opposite!!! The tyranny of EGO!
There have been certain areas I have controlled in my life, like finances, what I do and when, and I have always been proud that I could live the life I chose, albeit working through the challenges life always throws at you. What I didn’t realise until recently - this has fuelled my EGO throughout the years and come with a ‘better than you’ attitude. I never would have thought it, but as this year has laid out its latest challenges, I have been surprised to see how many times I have been out of my comfort zone in what I wanted to DO but actually couldn’t. Humbling, very raw and very embarrassing for my EGO.
Then not long ago the picture I have attached below popped up in my thread (thanks to the person who put it together, I have no name to thank officially). OOOH….ouch! The EGO traits I have…. Needing recognition, needing people to appreciate me and thank me and tell me how wonderful and successful I am. Life is a competition, I teach about co-operation vs competition and when I work with others, I believe that is how I work, however, my own internal competition is purely EGO. How much better can we do, how much more can we succeed and become larger than life and be a global phenomenon…crazy!!! Did I say I was humble?? The list of EGO traits goes on.
I have felt out of my league this year as life has decided not to hand me everything on the silver platter I have been used to and has brought me down a peg (or 3 or 4). 2023 has uncovered my EGO hidden in the shadows of the work I have been doing. It is tough to face, I thought I was further along than this (EGO strikes again 😊) and I am still going through the process, it will take time. But what I am finding is the more I let go and let be, enter the flow state and remember what will be, will be; take what you can from this time and don’t enter despair as every day is a gift, a feeling of calm comes over me and I think to myself; This is part of my journey, my growth and my healing and I feel grateful that life has given me a break in this hectic world to allow me to start to understand my EGO better, where did it come from, why is it there? What hurt or trauma is it protecting?
What I do know is - I am a work in progress and every day is a new learning about myself, my deepest fears and desires. I try my hardest to let go and let be, love all of myself including my EGO as we work out where to from here with gratitude and hopefully more grace.
My question to you; What does this picture resonate for you? Is there a hurt or trauma EGO is trying to protect for you?
